Jesus..

I can't believe this coming Saturday will be a year since we lost Jesus. All the memories of him have been flooding back lately and none of us can control it. We are constantly talking about him and bringing him up. Even though it is Netta's birthday we plan on going to the cemetary in the AM and visiting him and then the rest of the day will be spent focusing on Netta and trying to bring some joy back to "her" day. We know he has still not left us, there are too many signs around. Yesterday, Savannah caught a little tiny butterfly and said "HI POPPO!" and gave it a kiss then blew it away. My mom freaked out when she saw it and susie just about broke down, but she stayed strong and just enjoyed the moment that he showed himself to us. With Johns dad being as sick as he is and Levi's passing still so fresh in our hearts it reminds us that even though we lose loved ones, they are always close by. I have dreamt about him numerous times this pregnancy and I cant help but think he had a lil something to do with John getting his boy! LOL He always said a man needs a son. So here we sit only a few weeks (or days) away from having our lil boy and all I can hope and pray is that he brings some joy back into this family after all the loss we have experienced over the last year. 9 deaths in a year is not fair at all.

A quick reminder to you all that life is short and life is precious. Take advantage of the time we have here and tell your loved ones how much you care. Take a minute everyday to reflect on the blessings in your life and enjoy life while you can. Hold no regrets and live life to the fullest.

God Bless.

Hmmm

Why do I seem to only want to blog when I am in a craptastic mood? Maybe cuz I need to vent and this is the best place to do it. I actually woke up in a great mood today. Savannah has finally moved to her own room (she slept with us til about January then shifted to her own bed in our room and is now in her room) and doesn't mind staying in there with her toys/cartoons til mommy wakes up. Today however, I was woke up by the sound of my husbands dog chewing on some of Savannah's toys. Great! Luckily he picked a couple she doesn't play with that often. Then I got Savannah changed and into a warmer pair of jammies since it was cold in the house and off we go for breakfast.

Wow, who would have thought breakfast would turn into so much chaos! She didn't want waffles or cereal or even a damn cookie! She didn't want milk or juice. She just wanted to sit in my face and scream. So now I just ignore her, give her a glass of milk and some dry cereal since i don't know if she will actually eat it or not. Turn on a cartoon on the big tv, and here she comes. Happy as a clam with her cereal and milk. So then wtf was the fit for?! Cuz she's 2. I tell myself this everyday. "she's 2" *sigh* it'll pass, right?

I really thought she was getting over the fits and the temper tantrums, but I guess I was wrong. I don't know what else to do, so I usually just ignore her. I am sure if I play into her games she will learn that I will give her what she wants whenever she cries and I don't want that! Now don't get me wrong, for the most part she is doing fantastic. She is communicating better and that seems to be helping the fits. Since she can tell me what she wants she doesn't get as frustrated with me, but there are moments. Moments that I just want to pull all my hair out or beat my head against the wall! Then I look down and rub my tummy and realize.. I get to do this ALL OVER AGAIN! Ohhh yay! (sense the sarcasm?) I am convinced that the 2ND time will be easier since he/she will have an older sibling to help me.

I don't know if I actually had a point in this blog. I guess just to complain about the terrible twos? Possibly. The Dr said Savannah is far advanced with all her communications skills except her speaking. She can listen and remember 4 or sometimes 5 commands at a time "Savannah, Go get your shoes and jacket and close your bedroom door so the dog doesn't go in there" That sentence ends with Savannah checking for the dog first, grabbing her shoes and jacket and closing the door then putting on her jacket and sitting on the floor by the door waiting for me to put her shoes on. The Dr was amazed that she can do so much. We are working on her speaking skills, I believe Johns mom told me once that all her kids were late talkers and I was an early talker so we are right in the middle with Savannah. Everyday a new word comes out of her mouth. I almost feel like she won't attempt a word until she feels comfortable that it will come out the way it is supposed to sound. She is a perfectionist. I love it and hate it at the same time.

Okay well speaking of Savannah she is up my ass again. So I am off.

sometimes... I need a break.

When you deal with someone who is severely bipolar on a daily basis, life can be rough. I am constantly "on call" I am basically forced to be upbeat and funny and in a great mood. I can never have a day where I just want to be alone. I can never NOT answer my phone or NOT return a text. My mom drains me. I am chasing around a toddler and carrying a growing child who makes me weak. My life is hard at the moment (not that I am complaining, I am just venting) I would LOVE to have a day where I stay in bed all day. No calls, No Internet, No texting, no babies, no husband. NOTHING. I can't do that. I get up every morning, usually more tired than the day before. I make Savannah breakfast and clean up the house. Then i cll my mom. I do this everyday. Usually i pack up all our stuff and head to my moms. Sometimes it is easier to deal with her in person then on the phone. This week I am just tired. I have wanted to stay home and just enjoy some peace and quiet. So I don't call her. I get the "are you mad at me" call. Then I get told by my aunt that my mom thinks I am depressed because I am home and not at her house. Geez. I am TIRED. I finally went to her house for about an hour today. (john was home with Savannah so I could go alone) She needed help with her bed,so of course I HAD to go over. I was glad to be alone with her. she could see on my face how tired I am. She realized I am just tired and not depressed. I think it finally clicked that I just needed some me time.

I get home and i am in one of the best moods I have been in for weeks. Then what happens? My friend. She does one thing that I despise the most. She emails me and asks me if I am mad at her because I haven't returned her texts. Now keep in mind,this friend of mine is also bipolar. honestly, i don't have the energy to deal with her AND my mom AND another friend who is bipolar right now. I wish people would consider me for once. Instead of me always having to be the one to cheer them up. Ya know, she actually text me as my child was puking all over at Target today and I honestly forgot she had even sent it. Moments like this I want to disconnect myself from the world and become a hermit. i cant. Just like I do with my family I suck it up and I take care of my friends because they are my family as well.

I need someone to ask me how I am doing and actually mean it, not just ask me so I can ask them and then they can get their shit off their chest.

WOW!

Well the morning after my last blog, I woke up and my period was completly gone. I was really confused by it, but just thought whatever. So I tell my mom about it and she says "maybe you are pregnant" I didn't think much of it, but I mentioned it to John. So he brought home a pregnancy test. I took it, and there was a very faint plus sign. So in the morning I took another one, a brighter plus sign.... and a 3rd confirmed it ;) So YES I AM PREGNANT!!! I went to the dr yesterday but I couldn't pee, so they took blood. I should have his results back today. I'm still thinking 5 home pregnancy tests are confirmation enough? haha Even my Dr thinks so, he gave me an estimated due date of Oct 5th. :)

Just some venting...

Well like I said in the last post. John and I have decided to start trying for another baby. Now, for those of you who have followed my blog know - it was a ROUGH road for us to get pregnant with Savannah. Blood work, specialists, doctors up the ass, pills. Then finally we got pregnant. Now here I am 3 months into the new round of "trying" and AF just keeps showing up. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that I can't just stop taking the pill and the next day be pregnant. I just think it's different for those of us who have had infertility issues. I just realized this today. I could possibly have to start this process ALL over again. I talked to my dr about it at my last appointment but since he's "just" family medicine he has limited info about fertility. I guess my only blessing is that I'm due for my checkup for the Endo in a couple weeks. I'm planning on talking with the OB about my chances of getting pregnant WITHOUT the pills. I'm just tired and frustrated. I hate waiting.. I hate the rejection. It's like a rejection from God ya know? I try to tell myself that this is happening for a reason. That the new one will come when the time is right. Now that I'm off the pill this is in Gods hands. I try to remember that when I get so upset and I think I'm broken.

*sigh* That's it for now.


Two weeks til ovulation.

Thanks Guys!!

I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone who took the time to comment on my last blog. Between the time I wrote it and today, John and I have decided to try again. Savannah is 19 months old now and we figure by the time the new one gets here it'll be a perfect age difference. I don't know what made me change my mind and decide I was "ready" for this, but something deep down in my soul said it was time. I stopped taking my pills 2 weeks ago and for those that are counting, I ovulate this weekend. It's going to be an interesting journey and I promise to keep my blog updated as we trust in God to help bring us another lil monster!

Need some advice ladies.....

Well first let me update my regulars. As of September 19th my Uncle Jesus is no longer with us. He lost his battle to Chirrosis and Kidney cancer and was laid to rest during a beautiful service accompanied by those who he loved the most, a Mariachi band playing his favorite songs, and doves flying overhead. Thank you to all of those who kept him in your prayers as you followed my blog and thank you for the continued prayers for myself and my family.

Now.. On to me needing advice. My husband kinda dropped a bombshell on me tonight. We were watching the CMA's and Brooks and Dunn were singing with Reba a song about Cowgirls dont cry. I told John it reminded me of him and Savannah because he always tries to make her so rough and tough and he forgets she's a GIRL! haha So he turns to me and says that he wants to start trying if I get an "all clear" from the dr in January (i was diagnosed with endometriosis in July and will get a check up in Jan to see if it's progressing)

Now I'm not really sure I want another baby. I don't know if I'm done spoiling Savannah rotten to a core. I don't know if I'm ready to share my love and my heart with another baby. I'm not sure I want my body to go through all those changes again. I just don't know.

So I'm asking you...My fellow mommy's who already have more then one kid...How do you do it?! How do you decide NOW is the time. How do you prepare the baby you have for a sibling?!

Maybe I'm having such a hard time with this because I AM an only child?!